


Radio Silence

by mirawonderfulstar



Series: The Circle Game (Heiffel Dadfic universe) [2]
Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hilbert Crying, M/M, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 21:51:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13221960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirawonderfulstar/pseuds/mirawonderfulstar
Summary: Hilbert tries to hold the tentative family he’s formed with Eiffel and Dmitri together in the aftermath of what Pryce and Cutter have done to all of them. Spoilers through the series finale.





	Radio Silence

**Author's Note:**

> (Obviously the last fic presented an ending to the series that now doesn't work if I want to keep the plot point of Eiffel going all Tabula Rasa on us, so the last bit of Frogs And Snails that's relevant has been included in italics. Enjoy.)
> 
> “He was sold for a lifeline, sold for a crown  
> Singing an old lie down the repeater  
> But the radio lapses, the radio dies  
> The sky is a blank screen, an open receiver.” -Radio Silence, Shearwater

_“Before I go, I want- oh, fuck it.” Eiffel shrugged, and kissed him. Hilbert let out a small sound of surprise as Eiffel wrapped his arms around him and quickly did the same. After one long, wonderful moment Eiffel let him go. “We’d be good together, you know. Me and you, and Dmitri, we could be some kind of family. We need to talk when I get back.”_

Except they hadn’t had the chance. By the time Eiffel returned, Pryce and Cutter and their mind-controlled zombies had boarded the ship. They’d taken over Minkowski, Jacobi, Maxwell, and Hilbert. They’d taken Dmitri away and Hera was under Pryce’s complete control. Lovelace was locked up with Cutter. And the series of events that had followed Eiffel’s escape from Pryce and his freeing of the rest of them had happened so quickly that the next opportunity for them to talk had come on board the Sol after Hilbert, Jacobi, Maxwell, and Dmitri watched the Hephaestus crash into the star, with the bodies of Cutter and Rachel Young onboard. And by _that_ time… well…

“Eiffel?” Hilbert asked tentatively, knocking on the open door of the Sol’s comms room. There was no reason for Eiffel to be listening to his old tapes in this room as opposed to any other, Hera was quite capable of piping them through to his quarters, but she’d been encouraging him to spend his time here. It was probably some kind of futile attempt to reawaken memories through association, Hilbert thought with an uncomfortable combination of gratitude and bitterness towards the AI.

“Hey!” Eiffel said with a small smile, scrambling to turn off his old recording. The sound of Eiffel’s voice complaining about some menial task ended abruptly, leaving Eiffel spinning nervously back and forth in his chair and watching Hilbert expectantly. After a moment, he spoke.

“I’m sure this is probably kinda hurtful but uh… could you remind me of your name? I haven’t gotten very far in these tapes yet and-“

“As I was one of the three other people there from the beginning and as I have a distinctly different voice-“ Hilbert began, his anger and regret winning out over the more sensible part of his brain which was telling him to be patient.

“Hilbert!” Eiffel exclaimed, and Hilbert’s heart skipped a beat at the way his eyes lit up. Eiffel bounded to his feet and Hilbert thought he was about to rush forward and hug him but he just said, “You’re the Russian doctor. You’ve been on the tapes a couple times so far.”

Hilbert nodded curtly and mentally chastised himself for the brief moment of hope he’d had at Eiffel’s show of recognition. Of course he merely knew him from the tapes. Just crazy old Doctor Hilbert, whose cruel and inhumane physicals and mock-worthy accent had come right out of a Cold War era American movie. Hilbert shook his head at his own idiocy and turned to leave.

“Wait.” Eiffel said abruptly, reaching out a hand and grabbing his shoulder. “I really am sorry. I’m sure this is as hard for everyone else as it is for me, if in a different way. I know it’s hard for Hera.”

Hilbert turned back to Eiffel and looked him up and down. He’d forgotten, all those years in zero gravity, that Eiffel was so short. Funny thing to fixate on now.

“You’re more right than you know.” Hilbert said.

Eiffel nodded. “Yeah, I bet. I uh, I still have a lot of tapes to go through but I get the impression that I was kind of a dick to you. To everyone, really, but definitely to you. I dunno where I got some of the prejudices I obviously had towards you but… well…” Eiffel rubbed the back of his neck nervously, an old familiar tic. “I’m sorry for the way I was. For making fun of the way you talk and acting like your work was suspicious.”

Hilbert swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded. “Apology accepted. Although I’m sure you’ll come to believe your suspicion was justified as you progress through tapes.”

“What?” Eiffel looked genuinely confused, and Hilbert felt a thrill of surprise that Hera hadn’t told Eiffel anything about their past associations and animosities. He opened his mouth to speak and found he had no idea where to begin or what to say. He had the power to try again, to reframe Eiffel’s perception of his work and his morals, and for the first time in a long time he didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about the Decima virus. Cutter had used him, had never intended for the virus to work, and it had cast the last thirty years of Hilbert’s life in a very different light. The only thing Hilbert felt more uncertain about than Decima right now was Eiffel himself.

“You okay, dude?” Eiffel asked when Hilbert failed to speak. Hilbert jerked his head up and down.

“Apologies. I am needed elsewhere. Please, return to your listening.” Hilbert said, the words pouring clumsily from his mouth as he turned and all but ran from the comms room of the Sol.

“Hera!” He spat as he stumbled down the halls and back to the quarters he'd been living in since they'd watched the Hephaestus fall into the star. “Why haven’t you told Officer Eiffel anything about me?”

Hera’s tone made it clear she thought this was a stupid question. “It’s not my place to do so.”

“But what am I supposed to…” Hilbert gasped as he headed into his room and slammed the door behind him. He took a deep breath as he leaned his back against it. “Hera, you _must_ tell him.”

“Which part? The part where you murdered me and tried to kill him and Minkowski? The part about your miracle virus the aliens think you have the potential to make work but which turned out to be a biological weapon all along? Or the part where the two of you are raising a clone of yourself together?” Hera snapped. “Don’t dump any of that responsibility off on me. I have enough to be filling him in on without you adding to it.”

“Well, seeing that you are responsible for his current state-“

“Don’t you _dare_ try to play that card.” Hera cut him off. “I did what I thought was best. For the good of humanity. Seems like something you should understand, doesn’t it, doctor? Or does that not apply when it’s someone you care about that you’re sacrificing?”

Hilbert took another deep breath and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, trying to calm the panic rushing through him. He hadn’t been this upset in years, not when he’d killed Kepler, not even immediately after... after Eiffel's accident.

He felt like he was breaking apart and if he let his tears fall he’d shatter into a thousand pieces. They’d somehow achieved the impossible and were headed back to Earth together without any deaths, but Hilbert, who had never expected to survive this mission, had still managed to lose the two most valuable things in his life. His work, and Eiffel.

Hilbert still might be able to make Decima work or he might not, but that had never been what Goddard truly expected of him. It shouldn’t matter, other people’s estimations of his abilities shouldn’t matter, but the previous Hephaestus crew, Hui and Lambert and Fourier and Fisher had died for less than nothing, for part of Cutter’s insane plan, and somehow knowing he’d been a pawn in a far bigger game all along was worse than believing they had died because of Hilbert’s own shortcomings. He’d been a fool to let his idealism and determination blind him and now… and now…

That was a stranger sitting in the Sol’s comms room, who looked like Eiffel and sounded like Eiffel but didn’t talk like Eiffel and didn’t have any reason to care about Hilbert. Cutter and Pryce had taken Eiffel from him, and left him with a hollow reminder of what Eiffel had been and a boy who would soon find out that Hilbert was a terrible substitute for a parent, and the pressing guilt of Hilbert being at least partially responsible for that loss. Hilbert owed it to the boy to try and help Eiffel find his way back, but he was so tired, and so afraid. He’d never been good at this, never been suited to it. It had mostly been Dmitri’s influence and Eiffel’s decisions that had edged Hilbert and Eiffel into their vague and undefined relationship. Without Eiffel’s attachment to them both, Hilbert had no idea how to reach out to him.

With a defeated sigh, Hilbert collapsed onto his bed. “Hera.” He croaked, his voice wavering. He swallowed several times before speaking again. “Where is Dmitri right now?”

“In the medbay with Lovelace. Minkowski’s still in her coma, my guess is Lovelace will be there most of the day.”

Hilbert nodded. “Please shut off your sensors to my room and let Lovelace know where I am if she asks.”

There was a pause, and then Hera asked, tentatively, “Are you sure you want to be alone right now?” And then more flippantly, “I mean, god knows we’ll never be friends but we both love Eiffel and I-“

“Yes, Hera, I am sure.” Hilbert snapped. “Please. Just… go.”

Hera stopped monitoring the room with a chirruping noise, and with a great shuddering breath, Hilbert pressed his face into a pillow and let himself cry.

 

It was several days before Hilbert built up the courage to see Eiffel again, and as he’d predicted, it was Dmitri’s sorrow that pushed him to do it. The boy had taken to crying softly in the middle of the night when he thought Hilbert couldn’t hear. He’d offered to let Dmitri climb into bed with him, but it was clear he thought Hilbert was a poor alternative to Eiffel’s definitely cuddlier person. Hilbert had done his best to explain to Dmitri what had happened to Eiffel and why he was hesitant to approach him, but there was no way to explain to a four year old why you felt guilty about lying to somebody who had once loved you in order to serve your own needs and wants. So it was with a rapidly beating heart and fists clenched in his pockets that Hilbert made his way back to Eiffel’s comms room the morning after Dmitri had told him he should just apologize to Eiffel.

“Hilbert! Good to see you. I talked to Renee and Lovelace today, was wondering if I’d get to see your pretty face as well.” Eiffel said with a grin, waving for Hilbert to come into the room and sit down in the other chair.

Hilbert felt a blush spread over his “pretty face” as he took the seat. “’Renee’?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, Renee told me I shouldn’t call her commander now the mission’s over. Shouldn’t be too hard. I get the impression Lovelace doesn’t like to be called by her first name, though.”

“She doesn’t like her first name.” Hilbert supplied. Eiffel nodded thoughtfully.

“That’s right, you were on the previous mission with her, weren’t you?”

“I was.” Hilbert said warily. If Eiffel had gotten that far in his tapes he’d have learned about the mutiny and about Decima, but he didn’t seem particularly bothered by Hilbert’s presence.

“What’s wrong, doc? Or do you want me to call you Alex?”

Hilbert flinched. “No, Hilbert is fine. You could call me Dmitri, but that might cause some confusion.”

“Yeah? How come?”

Hilbert looked up and met Eiffel’s eyes for the first time since entering the room. He looked completely at ease, not at all like he thought Hilbert was terrible and evil and had betrayed his trust. “I don’t know how much you may have put in your records or how far you have gotten, but Alexander Hilbert is not my real name.”

“Your real name is Dmitri?”

“Yes. Dmitri Volodin. However... well… there is another Dmitri onboard the Sol.”

Eiffel stared.

“How far have you gotten in your rerun?” Hilbert asked, sneering the last word and immediately feeling bad when Eiffel looked hurt.

“Far enough. I know you did some seriously messed up shit and that I felt super conflicted about it.”

“Do you know about the events concerning Lovelace’s death and resurrection?”

“Yeah, she helped fill in some gaps about that earlier today. She said you’d be able to fill in more. She’s also the one who told me not to judge you too harshly.”

It was Hilbert’s turn to stare. “ _Isabel Lovelace_ said that?”

“She said she knew it’d be tempting to let anger and hatred for everything we’ve all been through shape how I saw the old me but that ultimately you gotta decide whether it’s worth bringing old grudges into a new life. She also said she knew what it felt like to not know how to be who you are, if I ever needed to talk about it with someone.” Eiffel chuckled dryly. “We’re all pretty messed up, aren’t we?”

“Undoubtedly.” Hilbert responded, feeling very tired all of a sudden.

“So… what’s bothering you?” Eiffel asked after a moment of silence.

“The other Dmitri. He is… a child version of myself. In the same way the star cloned Isabel, it cloned me, but incompletely. There were certain… extenuating circumstances.”

Eiffel whistled. “Tell me more.”

“I…” Hilbert looked into Eiffel’s open face, not sure how to start. With Decima? With Eiffel’s sympathy for him? With Dmitri’s appearance on the ship? There were so many things he could say.

He said nothing.

“Where’s the clone now? Is he okay?”

“He is… he misses you. After he appeared onboard the Hephaestus you became something of a surrogate parent.”

Eiffel nodded. “Because of Anne.”

“What?”

“My daughter. I have a daughter, I guess I was kind of secretive about her so I don’t know if you knew-“

“Yes, I knew.” Hilbert sighed, rubbing his jaw. “We frequently argued over whether your affection for Dmitri was misplaced attempt to atone for damage to Anne.”

“Wow.” Eiffel looked vaguely uncomfortable. “Uh, did we argue about anything else?”

Hilbert chuckled. “Many, many things, Eiffel.”

“You can call me Doug if you want to.”

Hilbert felt like somebody had stuck a knife in his chest. “I don’t.” He snapped. Eiffel nodded.

“We never stopped hating each other, then?”

Hilbert shook his head. “That’s not… we do not _hate_ each other. But I never called you Doug and don’t plan to start.”

Eiffel shrugged. “If it helps you maintain a sense of continuity, call me whatever you like.” He turned away from Hilbert for the first time since he’d entered the room and began fiddling with the controls in front of him. Hilbert took this as his cue to leave. He stood and headed for the door. Eiffel didn’t look up.

“Come by my quarters and visit Dmitri sometime.” Hilbert said from the doorway. “He does miss you.”

“I will.” Eiffel promised. Hilbert showed himself out as Eiffel started up a tape. His voice came over the speakers, tired and punctuated by the sound of typing as he complained about the extra hours Kepler was making them all work.

 

Hilbert hadn’t expected to see Eiffel for several more days. He’d known the man long enough to read his moods, and even if the memories that had shaped and informed those moods were gone Hilbert had been fairly sure that had been frustration and annoyance he’d witnessed on the tail end of their last conversation.

So when Eiffel showed up outside his quarters late in the evening with a box and a hesitant look on his face, Hilbert was so taken aback he just stared at him from his position holding the door open.

“Uh… Hi. I thought I’d come by to see the kid.” Eiffel offered, his voice raising on the end of the sentence. Hilbert tched in acknowledgement.

“He is asleep. It’s late.”

“Right, of course. Silly me. I’d have been here earlier but I was with Renee in the kitchen.” Eiffel lifted the box he was holding gently. “Now that she’s up and about again she’s been spending a lot of time cooking since we apparently couldn’t do that by the end of our time on the Hephaestus. I think it’s soothing for her.”

Hilbert rubbed his eyes and sighed before stepping out into the hallway and closing the door. “Yes, we ran out of supplies before the Urania brought SI-5 team. Then there was no time to cook.” He gestured towards the box. “What is it?”

Eiffel handed it to Hilbert with what Hilbert thought was undue nervousness until he opened it and looked down at the pecan pie Eiffel had brought him.

“I uh… well, on one of the tapes from several Thanksgivings ago you said something about how much you liked pecan pie and we did have the stuff to make it so that’s what Renee and I spent the afternoon doing.”

Hilbert could see the event unfolding in his mind’s eye. Minkowski reluctantly letting Eiffel into her space, her memories of his past failed kitchen endeavors warring with her desire to spend time with him and check to see how he was doing. The play of emotions on her face when he brought up the idea of making Hilbert a pie. The two of them covered in flour, Eiffel laughing, Minkowski stopping herself from shouting in joking camaraderie upon realizing it wouldn’t be funny to Eiffel without their years of real disagreements behind it.

“Oh god, did I mess this up? Was I wrong? Tell me you do really like pecan pie.” Eiffel said in a rush, and Hilbert looked back up at him.

“I love pecan pie. First time I tried it I bought-“

“Six pecan pies and ate them for a week straight, yeah. That was what was on the tape.” Eiffel said, beaming. “Gotta say, you don’t strike me as the kind of person with a sweet tooth, but then, I wouldn’t have believed the tapes that Renee was a singer until she made me listen to a musical soundtrack while we were cooking.”

Hilbert chuckled. “Was it Sweeney Todd?”

“No, it was called The Book of Mormon. She told me she’d always thought I’d like it although it wasn’t her personal favorite. What’s Sweeney Todd?”

“Story about a man who kills people and cooks them into pies.”

Eiffel grimaced. “That’s awful. Here’s hoping this pie is good and edible, Renee seemed to have some reservations about my cooking skills.”

Hilbert laughed and reached out a hand to wrap around Eiffel’s shoulder. “Please come in, Eiffel. I’ll get Dmitri back out of bed.”

“Are you sure? I can come back another time.”

“Quite sure. Dmitri has never had pecan pie, although I think he’ll be happier to see you than sweets.”

Dmitri was _extremely_ happy to see Eiffel. As soon as he opened his eyes to find Eiffel standing there with Hilbert he leapt out of bed and flung himself into his arms. Eiffel caught him easily, although with some surprise as the boy buried his face in Eiffel’s shoulder.

“I missed you. Papa thought you didn’t love us anymore.”

Hilbert watched Eiffel stiffen and stop patting the boy’s back, looking up to meet Hilbert’s eyes with a questioning expression. Hilbert forced himself not to look away, narrowing his eyes and silently daring Eiffel to say something that would shatter the child’s illusions, and after a minute Eiffel shrugged and set Dmitri down again.

“Hey, do you want some pie?” Eiffel asked him with a grin. Dmitri nodded excitedly and Hilbert watched as Eiffel sat down on Dmitri’s bed and started cutting the pie with a knife he’d brought. He handed it to Dmitri, who giggled as Eiffel made a show of brushing crumbs off the bed before offering a slice to Hilbert as well.

“You can sit with us, you know.” Eiffel prodded him as he took his slice of pie.

Hilbert glanced at Dmitri, happily eating the snack Eiffel had brought him, and then at the small space on Eiffel’s other side. Extremely hesitantly he sat down on the edge of the bed and took a bite. It was actually very good. Minkowski must have kept a very close eye on Eiffel in the kitchen.

“C’mon, doc, you don’t have to be like that.” Eiffel said softly. He patted the space next to him on the bed and raised his eyebrows with a small grin. Dmitri looked between them, still eating his pie messily. The crust was crumbling all over his lap.

Hilbert reluctantly scooted closer to Eiffel, trying not to lean into his warmth and the aura of ease he always seemed to carry with him. Truthfully, he’d missed this closeness since Eiffel had gone into the star but what was he supposed to do?  

Eiffel cut his musings off by wrapping an arm around his shoulder and giving him a small squeeze. Hilbert dropped the crust of his pie onto the floor in surprise. Eiffel snorted and handed him another piece.

“We really need to talk, I think.” He murmured.

Hilbert sighed. “I suppose we do.”

“Are you okay now, Papa?” Dmitri asked, looking at Hilbert with Eiffel’s arm around him. “Is Eiffel okay?”

“I’m fine, kiddo.” Eiffel ruffled Dmitri’s hair. “I just… a lot of things are confusing right now.”

Dmitri nodded, looking very serious. “Maybe I can help?”

Eiffel chuckled. “You can start by reminding me what your name is.”

“Mitya.” Dmitri looked exasperated, but thankfully not hurt by this. Hilbert felt relief blossom in his chest. He hadn’t realized just how worried he was about Dmitri until he and Eiffel were in the same room together again. “You found me on the ship in Papa’s lab, remember?”

“No, Mitya, I don’t.” Eiffel said softly, a sad little smile on his face. Dmitri shook his head with a small huff of impatience which made Eiffel turn to grin at Hilbert. “You’ll have to tell me all about it.”

“Yes. Mitya, go brush your teeth again before bed. Eiffel and I will tuck you in and then we need to go… work on something. Hera will be around if you need us.”

Dmitri pouted, but Hilbert glared at him and he got up and headed towards the bathroom, brushing crumbs off his bed onto the floor and throwing away Hilbert’s dropped pie crust as he went.

Five minutes later Hilbert had tucked him into bed and Eiffel had given him a small pat on the head before the two of them made their way into the adjoining living area of the suite sized room of Cutter’s Hilbert had gotten by virtue of looking after Dmitri. Hilbert sat down heavily on the couch and Eiffel joined him, sitting only marginally farther away than they’d been squished onto the end of Dmitri’s bed. He looked at Hilbert expectantly.

“So.” He said after a moment.

“What would you like me to say?” Hilbert replied, his tone neutral.

Eiffel shrugged. “I dunno. There are a lot of blanks to fill in and I don’t even know where to start.”

Hilbert grunted. “May be easier if you tell me what you know already.”

“I know you’ve done some like, crazy evil stuff. Like _ridiculously_ evil. But you thought it was for a purpose and it wasn’t. Goddard played you just as hard as they played Renee and Lovelace and Kepler and the others, maybe even harder. I know I didn’t like you because some of that evil stuff you did to Hera, and some of it you did to me. You lobotomized her, for all intents and purposes, and you put a virus in me which almost killed me. I think I hated you for a long time, and then I didn’t anymore.” Eiffel took a deep breath and met Hilbert’s gaze. “I think it was because of Dmitri but I’m not sure.”

“Did any of your tapes cover the contact event?” Hilbert asked, ignoring the question radiating out of Eiffel’s eyes.

“The thing where the aliens talked to us through Lovelace? Yeah. What about it?”

Hilbert thought carefully about how to phrase his words. “The aliens… made Dmitri because they thought it would help encourage you to communicate with them. They knew you were afraid of my research, of Decima, and they thought that by giving you younger version of me they would alleviate fears and allow you to… I don’t know, move past difficulties and achieve your purpose.”

Eiffel looked even more confused than he had done. “I don’t see the connection.”

With a deep breath, Hilbert said, “You told us all at the contact event that you thought they misunderstood something you’d been obsessing over. Ever since I told you about my family and sister you had been thinking that if only you could prevent bad things in my past, I might never have started Decima research. You said…” Hilbert stopped for a moment, taking in the look of clarity that had flashed across Eiffel’s face. “What? Did you remember something?” He asked hopefully.

“No. I just…” Eiffel frowned. “Just had a thought. Go on, please.”

Hilbert nodded. “You said you thought the aliens didn’t understand death or time, and Dmitri was the best they could do to give you what you wanted. By creating him they gave you younger version of me you could raise to prevent my mistakes, and they gave me DNA samples that allowed me to see new direction to take Decima research.”

“And did you? Finish Decima?”

Hilbert laughed bitterly. “No, Eiffel. You disappeared into the star and shortly after Pryce and Cutter appeared. Started taking over station, enslaving the rest of us. Enslaved you when you returned.”

“But I remember you being very devoted to this work you were doing.” Eiffel argued. “You’re telling me you didn’t find a chance to finish it?”

“It had already been finished. Goddard had always intended Decima to kill rather than save people.” Hilbert said, shaking his head and looking away from Eiffel. “You never believed it would work, told me as much before you went into the star. Goddard never believed, either. I… in the end, losing you was the more pressing matter.”

“Yeah?” Eiffel’s voice was shy.

“Eiffel…” Hilbert took Eiffel’s hand. “The last thing you said before you left was that you thought we would be good together. The last thing you said before your memories were wiped was that you were sorry I wasn’t there.” He squeezed Eiffel’s hand. “ _I_ am sorry I wasn’t there. Should have been there with you and Hera and Minkowski and Lovelace.”

Eiffel stared from their clasped hands to Hilbert’s face. “Where were you?” He asked in a hushed whisper.

“With Maxwell. Enacting final stage of plan to destroy the Hephaestus in case we couldn’t kill Pryce and Cutter and stop them from sending signal back to destroy Earth.”

“So you were saving the world.” Eiffel pointed out. “Can’t judge you too harshly for that.”

“I should have been saving you!” Hilbert scoffed. “Over and over I have put my work, the supposed ‘greater good’ of humanity, over people right in front of me.”

“And if Hera hadn’t done that Pryce might have managed to kill all of us or gotten whatever thing she needed from my mind to kill everyone on Earth.” Eiffel reminded him.

“Perhaps Hera was wrong!” Hilbert burst out, glaring around the room, daring her to snap back at him over the speakers. She didn’t. “Perhaps I would rather we all went down together.” He laughed bitterly. “Suppose it’s fitting that I only realized the world can go to hell if the alternative is losing you only after decision has been made.”

Eiffel pulled his hand away suddenly. “Okay, no. I don’t know much about Doug Eiffel but I do know this: he wasn’t the kind of guy who let other people force him to do stuff he knew was wrong. And I think, if it came down to it, he would have willingly sacrificed his memories to keep the world safe. You don’t get to go and say he made the wrong choice.”

“Don’t I?” Hilbert snapped, screwing up his face and cursing at the prickling behind his eyes.

“No. You don’t.” Eiffel sighed and shrunk in on himself, inching ever so slightly away from Hilbert on the couch. “Look, I’m about to do something, and I hope to god I’m not wrong about this, but if I am, can we just… forget it ever happened?”

Hilbert stared at him, confused, and then when Eiffel took a breath and leaned forward Hilbert reached out to pull him close and crash their lips together. The tension seemed to melt out of Eiffel’s posture as he flung himself into the kiss, and Hilbert held on for dear life as Eiffel began kissing his way across Hilbert’s jaw and neck. He hadn’t forgotten this, at least; it had been months since Hilbert had kissed Eiffel the first time and months since they’d touched each other more intimately than to lay a reassuring hand on a shoulder, and Hilbert had missed this so acutely he felt like he might die from too much of it at once.

It was over too soon. When Hilbert let out a soft moan as Eiffel’s lips grazed below his ear, Eiffel pulled back and looked at him with wide eyes.

“So I didn’t completely misjudge that situation?” he asked with a lopsided grin.

Hilbert exhaled shakily. “No, you didn’t.” He brushed a strand of Eiffel’s hair behind his ear and let his hand rest on his neck, simply enjoying being able to look at him so closely and tenderly again. “Should have started this off differently.” He muttered, then, taking a deep breath, continued. “Eiffel, my name is Alexander Hilbert, previously Elias Selberg, originally Dmitri Volodin. For several months before your memories were erased, we were raising young clone of myself together. We slept together on one occasion, and you expressed desire for greater closeness, but I…” Hilbert sighed, unsure how to phrase what he had to say next.

“You what?” Eiffel asked, very softly, his breath ghosting across Hilbert’s skin.

“I was too distracted by appearance of Dmitri and possibility that you would grow tired of me. Was too caught up in new opportunities for research.” He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Eiffel’s so he wouldn’t have to look at him as he said the next words. “I have been in love with you for years. Since before Dmitri appeared, although seeing you so regularly to look after him contributed. You… I wish I had been able to say it before. I wish I had prevented what happened to you.” Hilbert could feel tears rolling down his face and pointedly ignored them, keeping his forehead pressed against Eiffel’s.

They stayed like that for several moments, Eiffel’s hands snaking around to stroke the back of Hilbert’s neck. Hilbert felt a tear drop off his chin and land on Eiffel’s arm.

“Hilbert…” Eiffel began, not moving from their positions. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you will continue helping me take care of Dmitri, you are much better parent than I am.” Hilbert said with a chuckle.

Eiffel laughed, but he sounded troubled. “I’ve been talking to the others about something a lot. If I’m even still the same person you all knew without the memories that made me him.” Eiffel pulled back and looked at Hilbert closely, wiping a tear off his cheek and kissing the spot. “What if I turn out to be somebody completely different this time around?”

Hilbert let out a breathless laugh. “Believe me, I worry about that every day.”

 “Do _you_ think I’m the same person?” Eiffel asked, his expression at complete odds with his casual tone.

Hilbert considered this, looking into Eiffel’s eyes. Windows to the soul, and all that, Hilbert thought with some scorn at himself. Eiffel didn’t need sentimentality right now, he needed some kind of reassurance. If only Hilbert knew what to say. “Do you _want_ to be?” Is what he settled for.

There was a long pause while Eiffel looked off across the room and thought. “I want to be the person worthy of the adoration of that kid in there,” he said after a while, gesturing to the closed door to Dmitri’s bedroom, “and of Hera’s trust and affection, and of Renee and Lovelace’s friendship, and of your…” he trailed off, glancing back at Hilbert before looking away again. “I don’t think Doug Eiffel’s the kind of person that’s worth sacrificing humanity. I’m not sure any love is worth that.”

Hilbert felt something clench in his chest, thinking of Decima, thinking of Olga. Would she see him as a monster if she knew what he’d done? Had Eiffel? _Did_ Eiffel?

 Eiffel gave Hilbert a searching look. “I don’t think I was somebody worthy of that love before, or if I can ever be, but fuck if I’m not gonna try.” He pressed another kiss to Hilbert’s lips, and Hilbert’s breath caught on a sigh as Eiffel pulled away and stood up.

“I have to go do some… thinking, I guess. I’ll see you later.”

Hilbert nodded, just a tiny bit dazed and still feeling like he wanted to cry. “Very well. Thank you for the pie, Eiffel.”

“You’re welcome.” Eiffel said, and with a final grin, headed out of the room.

Hilbert stayed where he was for a long time afterwards.

 

The journey back to Earth wasn’t nearly long enough for Hilbert’s tastes. He’d have liked them all to have a while together without the pressing threat of sudden death or corporate evil looming over them. Somehow, in the wake of their years on the Hephaestus and the mindwipe that had been done on Eiffel and Pryce, they’d managed to more or less put aside their animosities towards each other. Hilbert doubted he’d ever really like Maxwell, or that Jacobi would stop hating him for Kepler's death, and Pryce wasn’t really comfortable talking to anyone but Hera, but the rest of them had grown close in a way Hilbert had never expected or known he’d wanted in the week it took them to return home.

The night before they were set to reenter their solar system, they all joined Minkowski in Rachel Young’s old room, piling onto the massive bed and a number of couches and armchairs they’d dragged from other rooms, to watch the first new movie Hilbert or Minkowski had seen in several years. It was also technically the first movie Eiffel had seen since his new memories started, but he was hardly paying attention to it between having Dmitri chattering away to him and Hilbert snuggled up next to him. Maxwell and Jacobi sat on one of the couches and only spoke to the others to tease Eiffel and Hilbert to get a room, which Hilbert thought was extremely juvenile of them, as they weren’t even kissing. Not that Hilbert would have objected to some kissing.

By the time the movie ended (Hilbert thought it had been something about giant robots fighting giant aliens but he hadn’t really been following the plot) Dmitri was asleep on Eiffel’s lap, Minkowski’s head had migrated to Lovelace’s shoulder, Maxwell had kicked Jacobi off their shared couch because he wouldn’t stop critiquing the explosions in the movie, and Eiffel had started threading his fingers through Hilbert’s hair. It was really very nice, all of it. And tomorrow they’d be back on earth and would have to deal with what was left of Goddard and the legal consequences and probably the press. It would be a long time before they’d be free to make decisions and just be with each other like this again. Hilbert wasn’t prepared for any of it.

In some ways, life had been simpler when he hadn’t expected to make it back to Earth. But, he thought, looking over at Eiffel and Dmitri and feeling a smile creep across his face, it would be worth it. There was so much more to the world than disease and death, and the three of them hadn’t seen any of it yet.   

**Author's Note:**

> “Visions of lightning, visions of sunrise  
> Overlay worlds on the grid of our dreams.”


End file.
